Carry a Flashlight

I understand the seeds that hold the potential to spawn abuses. It can begin as a slight frustration, possibly stemmed from a sense of lack of control over someone or something. Resentment makes itself comfortable. Mental loathing acts like cogs in your mind. Always running, self perpetuating, polluting thoughts. It won't take much to push you over the edge. A normal, nothing-out-of-the-usual, incident releases the impulse to lash out physically and inflict pain onto the source of which you recognize as the epicenter to your pain. Sometimes we'll do anything to regain a semblance of control, fear based albeit.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I had dark, horrifying thoughts. And it conflicted with my good nature, creating confusion and doubt in myself and who I thought I was. Luckily science has taught me about the amygdala, which controls our impulses to feed, fornicate, flee, and fight. And gratefully we have our prefrontal cortex, which allows us to analyze the situation. So I choose not to kick the dog for eating shit off the ground for the hundredth time this week, even though I tell her not to in ways I know she understands. I breathe and tell myself, "She's a dog. It's what she does.".

I have considered several alternative explanations to the darkness in me. Perhaps some sort of abuse occurred in my developmental years, during childhood amnesia. The mind has no retrievable memories, but there are sensible imprints, and the circuitry of the brain was influenced. I feel as if I've been infected. Inflicted with a faceless burden. And this is something I'm learning to overcome. Dark thoughts are not indicative of malicious behavior, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person.  This is what I have learned for myself at least.

I have darkness in me, but I carry a flashlight.

Dear God: A Petition

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love the last few days and it has inspired me to write my own petition to God, and I felt compelled to share it with anyone that is interested. If you would like to sign my petition, please sign it with your heart and thank you for your support in my life's intentions. This is straight from my journal - no editing. This is my heart. Be gentle.

Dear God,

First of all, thank you for hearing me out and considering my wishes for my life and the ones I love. I'm beginning to realize that I have a say in my life and I dare to imagine all I want while here in this Earth. Great job, by the way, on the spectacular beauty and balance you have created here. I'm sorry mankind is messing it up. I hope we can resolve our issues soon in order to live peacefully and harmoniously with our home.

I already feel like I'm on the right path, but I want to be clear with my intentions. I wish to know you. Intimately. I wish to know you and live happily and peacefully. I choose to live freely and joyously, without constraints like fear and finances. I want to enjoy the splendor of your creation and see it with my own eyes. Josh and I have passports and we're ready to use them. I want to marvel at manmade constructions and commune with nature. I want to show our children the glorious world we live on.

I want Josh to make the films he desires to create. He needs to be a Director. Such imagination he possesses. Let this genius create with no limitations. I think he'll do you proud. I look forward to experiencing Josh's career, and witnessing his visions come to life.

I want to be a writer full time and live in abundance. I want a secure and positive environment to live and work in. I want you to work through me. Help me figure out, or be open to receive, my ultimate purpose. How can I help contribute to the betterment of society? How can I help others, and myself, experience this shift of consciousness? Show me, and provide for me, and I will do it. I'll teach it by example. I will lead by example. I will live it and be the example. I'm ready for the next step. I anticipate someone coming into my life to help me begin a healthy lifestyle. Thank you in advance.

Peace and Blessings to all my friends and family - past, present, and future. May I access all of my potential and realize it.

All my love and gratitude,

Nicolina Weathersby

The Beginning

I consider the beginning of my self-discovery at around 16 years old when I transferred high schools, on my own accord, due to unpleasant circumstances. The details of those first steps are not important right now, but that’s when I realized positive change is possible, and that it takes a lot of work.

Looking back over the last 14 years I see a younger version of myself clinging to a vast endless wall, embracing so hard, but not knowing what it was she grips. When I started learning about life, and myself, I began seeing a larger piece of the wall I was holding on to. It began taking shape the farther I stepped away, the more I communicated with others, and the more open my mind became to universal possibilities.

So here I am. I see a greater picture of the universe and where we fit in. I know it will continue to change and evolve with the more knowledge and insight I acquire, but that’s cosmic law. Everything changes.

This blog is dedicated to Life and Happiness. Life is dirty, complicated, subtle, beautiful, and inspiring. It encompasses everything and all possibilities. Happiness is a state of being. I believe it is possible for everyone to live in a state of happiness, regardless of their past. The journey can be arduous, set backs are inevitable, but I have learned anything worthwhile is never easy and requires some risk.

This is my journey, my study of happiness. Welcome to an inside view of my perspective. I think it will be interesting and ponderous.

Lastly, a big THANK YOU to those that encouraged me to start a blog as an outlet for my writing. I look forward to its development and exploration.